Good Grief?
By Annie Estlund
What could possibly be "good" about grief? Most widows go through a crazy emotional rollercoaster as they move from one stage to another. I recall feeling on level ground one minute, but perching warily on a high wire, or chugging up an endless hill or churning up a pot of steam the next minute.
Looking back on my own years of grief, and writing articles, a book* and two websites** about it, I concluded that each stage of grief has both plusses and minuses. It may take us a long time to appreciate the plusses, but just as it helped us to know that we were expected to go through stages in grief, it may help us to see some of grief’s long-range benefits.
Shock. Almost every widow goes through Shock or Numbness. I felt like I was inside a bubble, looking out at others who performed various tasks for me...phone calls, travel arrangements, meal planning, appointments and decision-making. Even inside that bubble, I hurt so much that I could not imagine I was being spared some of grief’s worst wounds.
Denial. Both immediate Shock and the die-hard stage of Denial cushion us from too much reality too fast. If denial lasted too long, we would have major problems; but in smaller doses it provides brief emotional vacations when we really need them. In my book (For Widows Only!), I discuss another stage I recognized in my own grief.
“Cockiness.” That is the occasional euphoric feeling when we swell with pride at how well we are doing. We know we have licked this thing called grief. “That wasn’t so bad,” we think, right before we fall off another cliff.
Grief is hard work, and we must do it, but brief respites from the dismal pain are therapeutic. Consider them “practice sessions,” or “previews” for how we will feel when we have healed and we walk among normal people again. One drawback to them is that friends and relatives may misread them, and think that we no longer need their loving care.
Depression can drag us down into a pit of self-doubt and loss of spirit. Knowing ahead of time about this stage helped me to accept its downside more easily, but it did not make it fun. The upside of it, which is really hard to appreciate until years later, is that this stage--more than any other--seems to provide the best opportunity for self examination and personal growth. It is the caldron, in which we stew while learning that we are strong and can survive.
Anxiety is a tough stage, and it can hang on a long time for women on their own for the first time. It can build to a crescendo, a panic attack, such as one I had when I thought I was dying of the same thing my husband did. Most widows have a few of these, and it is wise to keep on hand a few anxiety pills for crises. Left unchecked, panic attacks can grow into agoraphobia…the fear of being outside or of leaving the house. We don’t want that to happen. Anxiety also plays havoc with our physical health. So, what is its upside? Well, it’s a bit of a stretch, but anxiety keeps us alert so we know what’s happening, and it feels really good when it stops.
Anger.I said a hundred times, “I could never get angry at Bruce for dying!” But I did, with a vengeance! “How dare he die and leave me to do all this stuff?” We all go through Anger, and we can lose the support of friends and family if we aren’t careful how we show it. Can there be any benefits? Yes, anger is a sign that we are facing reality head on, breaking through some of that Denial muck, and also we can be clearing the air, getting rid of some of our pent-up stress.
Guilt.Some widows have real reasons to feel guilty; most do not. Work on guilt, with a counselor or therapist if it is serious. So, how can it have an upside? Sometimes analyzing guilt feelings can help in resolving differences we had with our husbands. I felt guilty for overlooking many of Bruce’s fine points and picking about things that simply did not matter.
Acceptance.There is no down side to this one. The obvious upside is that Acceptance signals the end stage of grief. We accept his death, that he will not return, that we have a new life ahead of us and that we can make that new life a good one.
As you grieve, think of these “grief benefits” as Mary Poppins' “little bits of sugar to help the medicine go down.”
What do you think of this prescription?
Annie
* For Widows Only! is available at bookstores online and on land.
** http://forwidowsonly.com and http://groups.msn.com/forwidowsonly
