I had to face that I was now in charge all jobs, his, mine and ours. I became morose, just sure I would have to give up most of my writing time in order to do that. In time, though, I did what most widows must do. I lowered my expectations and my standards. I learned to identify which jobs were essential and which could slide. I also tried not to let undone tasks bother me.

I was lucky to be able to hire some help, so I did not have to let standards sink too far, but for many widows lower standards will be their only option. The trick is to face the new look with equanimity, rather than letting a little disorder prey on your emotions. Remind yourself that you cannot do the work of two healthy adults. You also may need to learn how to accept help offered by others without feeling guilty.

Many widows face their new life alone with far more responsibilities than I had. Many have full-time jobs, which they probably need more than ever. Unfortunately, their late husbands may have made their working possible. Each situation is unique, but it might help to remind oneself, as I often did, “I have to do what I have to do, and I can’t do more than that.”

Until I started my widows’ support website, I assumed that there were very few young widows. There are far too many and many are far too young. Widows on my site range in age from 20 to 82. In addition to all the stresses older widows have to deal with, young ones have a few extras. They have neither the maturity nor the experience to understand that they will survive. They are not likely to have a local support system, because almost all the widows around them will be much older. One thing they have going for them is their ease with the Internet, which helps make other young widows, and helpful advice, accessible to them.

Most of these younger widows still have children at home, and rearing children does not fall into the category of chores one can chop. The children provide a good, visible reason for surviving, but it usually takes lots of time and energy to gain their support and cooperation. With patience, young widows eventually can teach their children to be helpful around the house, and see that they will gain from that responsibility. In my book’s chapter on taking charge, I provide what I consider a short course on practical child rearing--some tongue-in-cheek, but mostly serious.

I also talk about the advantages of learning how to become assertive. An assertive person can handle all manner of problems without causing pain for themselves or others. An assertive parent will find it easier to establish good rapport with their children, and establish limits. A good old self-help book on assertiveness could be worth its weight in gold for any widow.

As I say in my book, assertiveness will help widows…

• develop more self esteem
• get, keep and/or function confidently in a job
• tremendously in rearing children
• make and reach new goals in life

 It is helpful for widows to learn that they are not alone. There are 12,000,000 widows in the U.S.; one out of every ten women has been widowed. After surviving the devastating shock and pain of losing their mates, widows must take charge of their lives and move on. Perhaps these hints will help.

Shopping List for Take Charge Widows